They said it would happen. I learned quite abrutely that time was not infinite when I had a life altering event concerning my health take place eight years ago. I was thirty. Thirty years to fully grasp what so many have dictated, wrote about and or currently try to teach mankind today. Time waits on no one. So when the birth of my daughter took place just a day over five months ago, I made a promise to her that I would be congnizant of the time and energy that I put towards her growth each day. The overwhelming guilt at times when I just want to wait one more minute to see if she will just stop crying and go to sleep instead of running to pick her up now coming from being fully aware that if I wait too long she will soon be walking to me with her tears, no longer needing me to carry her or hold her as I do now. This post is a celebration of life because even though I still have waisted minutes of the day, when I'm in the zone, more times than not at this point, I enjoy her daily growth because I see that she will need me throughout life. Layla had her first solid food yesterday and though she can now hold her bottle she is not versed in using her spoon. Insert daddy and mommy. These thoughts and feelings hit me as I thought about my father.

Tonight I was able to think about my father. Tonight I did something that I hadn't been able to do in just over five months. Actually, it was something that I didn't want to do. They said that you give all of yourself when you have a child. But tonight I turned off the lights, closed the door, lit a candle, put on some classical music, and sunk into the bath. I focused on my breathing and let thoughts come and go. Just as they all seemed to fade to the backgroud it hit me. I have been so enamored with my daughter that I have not made the time to take a true inventory of how I was feeling in my mind, body and spirit. I needed a sincere check in with my feelings and I had to dig past the bravado in order to truly grasp and feel that my father may not remember who I was and even worse, who he was. Dementia and its been a fast decline. I thought we had more time. I love my daughter for being able to teach me so many things about life at only five months old. They also said something about the circle of life too. I hear them say, we start out as babies and most of us go out like babies. We may just need that little person later in life to help us through an extremely difficult situation. Circle of life. 

Happy Holidays!

 

December 16th